I was once there too.
Alone in a certain darkened place where I huddled in a corner, looking for evidence that I was a nobody, not worthy of love, and most of all, a good-for-nothing.
But as cliché as it is, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
It is so unfair – everyone around you seems to be having the time of their lives. You are surrounded by carefree people, breezing through everyday life. And there you are, failing to fit in anywhere and feeling utterly alone. Life is a disappointment, well no, YOU are a disappointment, a failure, a useless being.
Life is hopeless. YOU are hopeless.
Depression lies. It is as simple as that.
At times it feels like a rain cloud constantly hovers above your head, following you around all day long; or is that a fog? A fog so heavy you can see nothing ahead but doom and gloom.
But sometimes it hurts. It is pain that penetrates every last cell of your body; searing pain that can almost cut you in half, or shatter you into million pieces. Yet sometimes you feel nothing at all; that familiar lonely feeling slowly washes away the last drop of hope.
Depression is real. Even if it is invisible.
It is a crushing defeat. You cannot see a way out.
You want to be nothing, and you are stuck in a cycle of self-destruction. You may want to fight back, yet you can’t figure out where to started. Amidst the fog there is jeer and cheer, reminding how weak and useless you are.
You come so close to giving up altogether, but out of nowhere someone offer a helping hand. You hesitate, surely you do not deserve to feel better?
Recovery is possible. Even if you cannot see it (yet).
This is not easy in the slightest. You have to force yourself to stand up after falling over again and again. Putting one foot in front of the other seems like the hardest thing you have ever done. The “happy pills” you are prescribed aren’t really cheering you up; nevertheless they take the edge off just enough, so you start to see the slightest glimmer of light.
You find the courage to make little changes in how you think, how you view yourself and how you look at the world.
You have started to see things in a new way – the fog slowly becomes a mist instead.
Perhaps you are not unloveable. Maybe you are not worthless.
You occasionally revisit that haunted place, but you remind yourself all is not lost.
In the end, every cloud DOES have a silver lining.
Recovery takes time. And you accept that.
Yes, I do talk about mental health on my blog – stigma is often exacerbated by ignorance and lack of understanding; by sharing my personal experience, perhaps one may feel he or she isn’t alone after all, and another may try to offer a helping hand to someone in need.
If you’re struggling, leave me a comment or get in touch – I am not a healthcare professional but I am a good listener! Take care of your lovely selves 💜 xxxx